Tuesday, September 29, 2009

WARNING, yes you have been let into the pity party.

I too have become Uncomfortably Numb. Another friend says this is the equivalent of being a functioning alcoholic. Hullo, my name is Collette and I am a REALLY good comfortably numb person. Where's the 12-step for that? I feel like I'm going to throw up. My head is pounding, I am dizzy, and it's a nauseating numbness, not a dream state numbness that some people have. I have to drive an hour away to have lunch with, and be all lovely to, my daughter who is at Uni and unaware of the numbness. That is how it will remain. The last thing I need is to have her stressing out over me whilst trying to deal with all the other stuff at Uni. If she knew I was worried about the unemployment, the state of the bank account, the tuition, the (insert another worry - go ahead, you choose) then she wouldn't be able to concentrate on the prize at hand which of course, is her education. She's worked so hard to get where she is, I can't let me not working and the outcome of that affect her focus.

I'm not out to impress people with anything, I'm not about keeping up with the Jones's or BEING the Jones'. I don't think I ever have been. I just want to be able to pay my bills, give my child the education she deserves, and be able to go to the Doctor when I need to. It's not much to ask, really, it isn't. If I thought that God was an unforgiving God or a vengeful God, I would believe that this is payback for all the really horrible things I've done in my life and then it would be justifiable. I have to believe otherwise. I have to.

Leaving for lunch with Chelsea. I'll feel better later, promise.

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