Saturday, April 3, 2010
purpose, paling in shadows.
Another day goes by at the day job and it finds us closer to our shift bid. There are not that many "good bids" to go around and obviously seniority and adherence and production and sales all account for where one stands in the bid process. My bid happens on a day I'm not scheduled in, so I have to call my requests in, they will get accepted or denied. I will still not know what my schedule for the next 6 months is until another two days after the bid. Kind of hard to make any concrete plans when your life is being controlled by others time frames. It's hard to look ahead. That added to the fact that I am just spent when I get home doesn't help the day job cause. I know I should be grateful for the job, I know the unemployment rate in Fl is 10%, I know these things, it doesn't change the fact that I am not being true to myself there. Needs must. I stay until I can't take it anymore or what I would like to happen happens. (Working on that now.) Live your life with purpose. I been trying to live that, and it's not happening here. I've never been so tired, I think. I am running on empty, but by God, don't I hide it well...
I never feel tired when I am behind the camera. Hot and sweaty sometimes, (Fl heat in summer - yeah,not a fan, but tired? No. The exhaustion doesn't hit me till the end when I am back to the editing desk. The adrenaline pumping through me subsides. Most of my sessions are 5-6 hours, I try and get the light and the feel of the shoot and run with it till I feel that neither the subject, the day/night or I hasn't anything else to give creatively. Some shoots take only 1-2 hours, the feeling is still the same. When I am photographing people and am in the groove, my heart feels like it will burst, my grin is so wide my cheeks hurt, the Lou face as its widely known. Smiling out loud almost. The exhaustion I feel when I am not doing what I love is staggering. To the point that my feet are like lead bricks and my mind so unfocused even the desire for the act of doing even the most exciting part of a mundane day wanes to a trickle. There is no smiling and to tell you the truth, my heart couldn't give a rat's ass. I don't discount a hard day's work. I don't think that a 9-5 for me is undoable, been there, done that a bunch of times. I do think a 9-5 here (well -- there) where I am is undoable.