purpose, paling in shadows.

Another day goes by at the day job and it finds us closer to our shift bid. There are not that many "good bids" to go around and obviously seniority and adherence and production and sales all account for where one stands in the bid process. My bid happens on a day I'm not scheduled in, so I have to call my requests in, they will get accepted or denied. I will still not know what my schedule for the next 6 months is until another two days after the bid. Kind of hard to make any concrete plans when your life is being controlled by others time frames. It's hard to look ahead. That added to the fact that I am just spent when I get home doesn't help the day job cause. I know I should be grateful for the job, I know the unemployment rate in Fl is 10%, I know these things, it doesn't change the fact that I am not being true to myself there. Needs must. I stay until I can't take it anymore or what I would like to happen happens. (Working on that now.) Live your life with purpose. I been trying to live that, and it's not happening here. I've never been so tired, I think. I am running on empty, but by God, don't I hide it well...
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I never feel tired when I am behind the camera. Hot and sweaty sometimes, (Fl heat in summer - yeah,not a fan, but tired? No. The exhaustion doesn't hit me till the end when I am back to the editing desk. The adrenaline pumping through me subsides. Most of my sessions are 5-6 hours, I try and get the light and the feel of the shoot and run with it till I feel that neither the subject, the day/night or I hasn't anything else to give creatively. Some shoots take only 1-2 hours, the feeling is still the same. When I am photographing people and am in the groove, my heart feels like it will burst, my grin is so wide my cheeks hurt, the Lou face as its widely known. Smiling out loud almost. The exhaustion I feel when I am not doing what I love is staggering. To the point that my feet are like lead bricks and my mind so unfocused even the desire for the act of doing even the most exciting part of a mundane day wanes to a trickle. There is no smiling and to tell you the truth, my heart couldn't give a rat's ass. I don't discount a hard day's work. I don't think that a 9-5 for me is undoable, been there, done that a bunch of times. I do think a 9-5 here (well -- there) where I am is undoable.
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Country and who's queen?

A friend of mine, http://notesfromthefrugaltrenches.com/ lives in England, and although I've no desire to go back and live there, (been there, done that, have the ex-husband and chicklet from there, moving on...) I do miss the countryside. We lived near Marble Arch in London proper and when we did make a trek out country way, I was amazed at how much I secretly loved it and wondered if someday in my oldness I would ever want to live in the country. The views are spectacular, the people, for the most part, warm and friendly, and the slow steadiness of it all was and I must say is still now, quite appealing. I am a suburbs girl at heart, I know, not too much in the city but close enough to get my nightlife on. Country living will have to wait a little while longer, meanwhile, I live vicariously through her photographs of the gorgeousness that is Devon, England
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The chicklet and I had lunch with a few of her friends on Saturday before Founders Ball (a formal dance at her Uni). It was good fun, her friends were lovely to meet finally and I still miss her bunches. Good things she's coming home for the weekend in two weeks. She's sent off letters to some med schools to find out if the track she is on at uni is filled with the prereqs for admission when the time comes. Who knew, my chicklet, a D.O. ( http://www.osteopathic.org/index.cfm?pageID=ado_whatis )
I'm kind of dead proud really.
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My friend http://www.remodelingthislife.com/ had a link love post up the other day, I was brave today and added a link to here -- I don't do much in the way of promoting the blog, because a)I think I should probably have more photos in it and b)it's just me, it can't be all that exciting... but I took a leap of faith and I appreciate that she offered the opportunity. You should go visit her, she does always remind me that indeed, simple is beautiful
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Tris Cabin from Ideal Standard
There isn't much more decadence that I need if I had one of these. I have been having neck/shoulder pain for the last three years now, I have nerve problems and have found that a sauna treatment every once in a while does amazing wonders. Some people need meds, me, 30 minutes spent in a sauna, and I can take on anything. Yet another thing to put on my list for "when I am queen...I shall have/do/make happen..."
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Alas, I am not queen yet, and therefore, my day tomorrow looks like this:
1) Breakky with my most super fun, super smart friend, my sister Laura,
2) Take Buzz (the car) to get an oil change
3) Go to Walmart and pick up printer ink and a few other things
4) Grab my mother, go to Target and pick up a few things and drool over the Liberty of London new stuff that Target is only carrying
5) Pay bills
6) Work on logo and get pricing for cards, labels etc.
7) Purge paperwork and magazines still laying about
8) Kitchen floor - hard core scrub/mop
Yes, indeed not queenly at all I'd say, but a productive day nonetheless. To end it, I am rewarding myself with the some episodes of "Carnivale" (Love Nick Stahl, I do), Thank God for Netflix :) Have a brilliant brilliant.

Kicking at darkness, lcl photography, proust and you

I woke yesterday morning at 9:00 which is what the alarm was set for. I then proceeded to continue lying in bed until 12:30 or so when my mother, God Bless her, called to tell me that she and my sister were going downtown to get the Boondock Saints 1 tickets (showing only 1 night in theatres - if you're here in Orlando - at PI AMC24) and going to Ghiardelli for ice cream, would I like to join them? I declined and then my mother said "so much for a productive day" and at that moment I knew what Alexandra Stoddard meant when a client tisked at her saying "can't be productive by sitting, time is money" for sitting in a front room gazing about after having been in a rainstorm to get to said client's house. Surely, my sojourn into blissful rest was indeed work, work to get my self back to my self, my mother wouldn't know that after last evening going through things and choosing what to get rid of and looking at photos of a time long gone was emotionally draining. Coventry Patmore says "Don't deny in the darkness what you have seen in the light" Last night there was no denying and thus exhaustion set in quite quickly. There's no way she would have known this, I haven't shared it with her. So I declined and sent them on their way. I had to pull focus this morning, that coupled with the fact that I have a cold and have sinus issues that are killing me, I laid in bed for ANOTHER 25minutes before greeting this lovely day.
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I lost 10 lbs. Not because I am sick, but because I have been trying harder even though I have been eating what I wanted. Only a kabajillion (or so it seems) to go. Orig. it was so I would be healthier for the reunion in April, as Peru calls for walking, a lot of walking actually. Work schedules and current obligations would not allow for such a trip, but that shouldn't have stopped me, it did, but I jumped on the horse again and am trying. I'll let you know what happens as it happens. Lucky you lot.
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I have decided that not only am I going to continue photographing everyone I know and love, I am doing a coffee table book of a brilliant shot of them and a page of a Proust Questionnaire. It's a staple in vanity Fair, but that's for celebrities, why not do one of the everyman/woman/child? In that vein - I give you my own, you'll get to see the picture much later..

What is your current state of mind? Content
When or Where were you most happiest? When - Singing onstage in Peru, playing Eva Peron, Where? Behind a camera lens
Which living person do you admire? There are many, my mother, my sister, but outside of that? Sam Jones, Regan Cameron and Lou Lasprugato
What is your greatest fear? My child dying before me or anything bad happening to her.
What is your motto? "No coward soul is mine in this world's storm troubled sphere" - Bronte
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I am almost always blinded by loyalty.
What is the trait you most deplore in others? Apathy, Disloyalty
What is your greatest extravagance? Anything my daughter wants. I'm awful at saying no to her.
Where would you like to live? Somewhere with public transport near a city center but not directly in it. Failing that? Glasgow
What is your fave quality in a woman? A sense of self and the courage to be that person
What is your fave quality in a man? Humour and Passion and knowing what it means to BE a man and not a boy.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue? - Patience, as I haven't any.
Which living person do you most despise? There are 2 broken people that if they'd been run over by a bus, I wouldn't miss them.
What talent would you most like to have? Sam Jones'
What do you consider your greatest achievement? My daughter, without a second thought.
What do you regard the lowest depth of misery? Apathy, letting down those I care for
What is your fave occupation? Photographer
What do you most value in your friends? Their time
Who are your fave writers? Alexandra Stoddard and Frank McCourt
What are your fave names? Chelsea, Liam, Evelyn and Michael
How would you like to die? In my sleep, preferably after the New Year so I would have been able to have a last Christmas with my family. Failing that, whilst photographing someone/something, because at least I'd be doing what I love.
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I leave you with the fact that if I know you, have ever photographed you, chances are good you'll be answering these questions soon. Off to see Boondock Saints on the big screen

The girl, the photos, the GBC

My daughter came down the ramp at OIA airport last Monday and I thought I was looking at a different child. She lives an hour away from me at University, I see her once, maybe twice every 6 weeks or so, sometimes it's more, sometimes less, but this time, it just seemed different. She was coming back from Spring Break in MD, (I know weird right? Upper East Coast kids clamor to get down here to FL, this one? She wants snow.. so off she goes to see Bff's in MD) and wasn't any taller, didn't gain or lose any dramatic weight, hadn't colored her hair. It was just different. There was something about her that just made her shine and make me look at her differently. When I get a handle on what it is, I'll let you know, but I'm still stumped. She's 18, and although there are times when she still needs me, she's pretty much doing things on her own, and maybe that's what this feeling is, I don't know. She's at Disney World today with "the boy", so I love that there's still that little kid spirit in her every once in a while.
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As much as I hated to, I did a massive clean up of blogs that I read, some who hadn't posted in a year, some who make it difficult to load with all the ads and what not on the page, some that don't pertain to my life any longer. I also did it on my facebook and my myspace, it just feels like a clean start to a new month, seeing how the next week is the BIG GREAT BIG CULL at my house(I've taken off all week- 3 vacation, the rest I had off anyway) where I will be chucking out things with a vengeance, it just seemed fitting to do it virtually as well.
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The job is the job. I am feeling the effects of it not being a 9-5 M-F gig more often than not, but needs must.
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I have a 2 day photography conference I am going to in Miami in May, looking forward to that, as I will be going up the day before to just relax, but I really am looking forward to it, even if I walk away annoyed by the whistles and bells, I will also walk away with inspiration to the max. I have every urge to say Hey, remember that girl up there? and this will only help that.
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Promise this week will be better blogging, just trying to catch up with all the reading and emails is exhausting.
have a brilliant brilliant.

Plans, Goals, Holiday Madness - 2010 it's going to be intense!

I wanted to wish everyone a Brilliant New Year! has it really been a whole year? I have not been posting very much this last week as I have been taking overtime at work, family is home and obviously, the Holidays. (I don't know why I capitalize Holiday, it just seems right, L, my sister, the editor, will no doubt yell at me when she returns from South Carolina tomorrow.) Chelsea came home for Christmas and Winter Break, she leaves for St. Pete tomorrow to spend some time with a sorority sister and then she is back to Florida Southern College to lifeguard at a swim meet, then she and the boy (I call him that because I don't know what exactly he is in the great big scheme of things) are going to Disney, and then she is back home till the 11th, when another friend from MD, comes down to stay with her at the college for a few days. Then, in February she is back off to MD for a quick trip to see friends. L is going to London in May, and I have plans for Kentucky and Dallas/Ft Worth as well as some day/weekend trips here in FL. My reunion is also this year and is in Lima, Peru in April. Am trying to work the budget and vacation dates accordingly. This is going to be a big year of travel for this family - can't wait! The Planner is filling up quickly and it's only the 1st of the Year!

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The job is good, I enjoy what I do, the people I work with, the money could be better, but with some OT every once in a while (and they offer it non stop) and bonuses on sales ratios, I think it's looking very good. The point is - I am happy, and as most of you know, if I'm not happy, it really doesn't matter how much $ is thrown in my face.

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The last vestiges of Christmas have been put away at the familial home, except for me bagging up the tree, now sitting in the garage, for another year, I have to bring the rest of my presents back to my house, but other than that, it business as usual. The GBC at my house that was supposed to happen on Boxing Day got postponed to this coming weekend as I had overtime instead. I am excited though to start the GBC of my bedroom, lots to go through, sort, donate and/or throw out. If I don't love it, used it in the last 6 months, or it has no relevance to my life in 2010 onward, it's gone.

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I wouldn't usually post personal personal stuff but find that if I do post something it does inspire me more to accomplish it because I've told someone other than my immediate family so here goes, these are just a few of 2010 goals:

Financial: 1.) Get Roth IRA set up 2)Max out my 401K match by December - right now I am contributing 2%, max match is 6% 3.)Open Christmas account - I know I go crazy every holiday, so this year I want to be uber prepared. 5.)Set aside $ for Fall 2010 tuition/sorority surprises that we didn't account for in 09.

Physical: 1.) Now that I have insurance - get full Physicals for both Chel and I, all dentists and Dr.'s appointments made in January for throughout the year. 3.) Get back on Program

4)Every month get rid of one thing. January is going to be Sweets, no candy machine at work, no gas station packs of jujy fruits, no movie candy at movies etc.

House: 1.) GBC the whole house - my room first. 2.)Have the Maid service come twice this year to do one fell swoop huge clean 3) Remember the filters, batteries for smoke alarms, light bulbs changed as needed, not waiting till we only have one light in the chandelier. 4) The front porch light and outside garage lights installed

Pocketful of Poses: 1) You had forgotten about the business, right? I know, because it seems like so had I this last year, so big focus on the business - marketing especially, I am having cards made up, little flip books, (my sister made 3 of them, on for each genre of photography I engage in - portraiture, live music/entertainment/Disney and general stock (buildings, flora, fauna etc.) and they were awesome, so I want some more of those done. I may have an ad in the two local newspapers to see what business that attracts, and of course word-of-mouth- friends will be asked to suggest me when others need a photographer.

So, there's some of them, I'm sure you have yours as well. Good luck!

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I guess what this first post of the year really should sum up with is that we have all the possibilities in the world in front of us, it's really up to us to decide where, how, when, and why we do things with those possibilities. I'm on the right track and don't foresee veering off. I hope your journey brings you great things this year as well.

HAPPIEST OF ALL NEW YEARS Y'ALL - HAVE A BRILLIANT BRILLIANT.

Creativity, Inspiration, Art in the Everyday

Creative outlets, Inspiration, Art in the everyday - these things I desire.

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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were? 32

What can you not go a day without? Right now? Diet Coke, my lists, my notebooks, talking to my sister.

What do you want that you think you can't have? There's nothing I can think of off the top of my head that I can't have if I put my mind to it. Oh, ok, maybe a royal pedigree, but in the real life, I think it's on me to get/do/be all I want.

Guiltiest Pleasure? Christian Bale and Brendan Fraser movies, movies in general, magazines, and Stouffers Mac and Cheese.

More than a Gift? My daughter, Chelsea; the traveling my family did as a child and still do now.

Fave Place in the world? Behind the camera or Glasgow, Scotland or wherever I can create.

Inspires you to create? Music, movies, other photographers I respect, colors, events

Endless hours spent creating are made better only by... music playing while I create, breaking bread with the people I photograph, their faces when they see final product.

Art in your everyday? The purple flowers on the side of the road on my way home, the hubcap shop, the crane family that visits the front yard, the sun setting, people's faces, mannerisms etc.

It all started when.. I took a photo of Lou Lasprugato at a Juliet's Wishing Well show at Kelly Logan House - Delaware.

What color is imagination? Purple!

What do you pack to pursue your dreams? Cameras, batteries, memory cards, notebooks, pens, photos of loved ones if they weren't coming with me, cell phone and my car.

Attempt to do if you knew you couldn't fail? Aiming small? Be the house photographer for both House of Blues, Orlando and Hard Rock Cafe, Universal, Orlando. Aiming big? Be in the big leagues with Sam Jones and Norman Jean Roy and Ben Watts, and Regan Cameron, photographers I admire and respect. // Y'all have a brilliant rest of the weekend.

In which I recap (the no tryptophan episode)

Because my family is pretty unconventional anyway, and my father is not actually in the state this holiday, my mother, sister, my daughter and I decided what better way to spend Thanksgiving Lunner (early dinner, late lunch) at Earl of Sandwich in Downtown Disney and then heading over to AMC Pleasure Island to see "Fantastic Mr. Fox" (mom and I) and "Pirate Radio" (L and Chel). Highly disappointed with "Fantastic Mr. Fox". Was happy to see that the rat was Willem Dafoe though :) Pirate Radio, apparently was a BRILLIANT movie as per my sister, we'll probably see it together soon. I am also ecstatic because we finally get Boondock Saints here in FL. It is at Universal, so it'll be a little drive but worth it, and because I'm going to see it oh, 2 or 15 times, a nice theatre to see it in is a bonus.

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Maybe it's just me, but some of the people "singing" at the Macy's parade and their songs are just noise, right?

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I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.

--Alice Walker
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Went and bought a phone. Chel and I went together on a Verizon family plan as it seems the majority of her friends have Verizon and so she gets free calls to them. I didn't care one way or another as long as I can call people, have people call me and text capabilities. As soon as I have it set up, I'll send out the number to those who need it.

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As The Black Friday is nearing it's end, I went the whole day without buying anything but a soda. Yay me? I must say I TOTALLY missed being able to go out with my mom and sister and shop. I'll have to sort that out for next year.

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It's a little less than 4 weeks till Christmas - I'm nowhere near done. I do have the holiday card envelopes addressed, so there's a starting point. We have a Secret Santa at work I am participating in, I have to buy for a little one (my 2nd cousin Fiona- now 5 years old, the youngest on my mother's side) which I haven't done in yonks and can't begin to imagine what to get her, and various and other sundry things I need to do. I need to do double time this next pay period.

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Finding myself increasingly frustrated over the lack of Internet and working computer at my house. Am using Dad's computer until I get everything sorted out as far as high speed and a new computer at mine, which I hope will be sometime, end of December, early January, it's ridiculously hard to keep up with the blogs I love and the coupons and the email and fb etc. and still make it home at a decent hour.

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Lots to do, a photoshoot tomorrow for family friends, getting my house ready for the holidays, laundry, and studying for what will be the worst quiz ever on Monday morning. Man did I earn this weekend.

More Portraiture, Weighty Issues, Moving, Employment

Top to bottom, Left to right - Josh Wilson, Brian Wood, Chris and a photo of me that was taken by Jan Gay. I was 21, almost 22 at that time. I would like to think that besides the weight, I haven't changed that much. The hair colors have changed over the years, the cut, but for the most part I'm the same. I started on Weight Watchers again today. I was at my heaviest about 3 months ago, I have since lost weight, but feel I need a kick start and points have always worked before so I thought why mess with a good thing. To be honest. I don't want or need to weigh 132, which is what I was in that photo, but I'd like to resemble myself a little more than I do now. So, as I go on, I will post what I've lost or gained once a week, here's to getting back to me :)

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I love black and white photography best. Now that I am digital, thank you Chris, I can just shoot in black and white or color and make changes from there. But I do love the starkness of it, the details seem to shine through more. I love the details.
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Last night, I moved back into my house. I'd been spending the last week at my parent's house. My sister is house sitting for them while they are on assignment in Virginia. It was nice to go grocery shopping and come home and clean house and get laundry done. A break from the day to day and same surroundings is good, but I did miss the house, much to my surprise. I had planned on moving out within a year of me getting another job as I just didn't feel like it was MINE, I share it with my sister when she isn't house sitting my parent's home, and although neither her or my stuff is all encompassing the space, it isn't mine. Plans that I thought were progressing nicely and towards this turned out not to be so full of progress, so I am still thinking on the move, but with different requirements this time, not as worried about how many bedrooms, location, etc as before. This also gives me more time to really get the place I want. I saw two locations today, haven't checked them out, but come closer to time, I will.

Have an interview tomorrow with a nationally known cable company, if it is successful I will be in training for 4-6 weeks(paid) and then the actual job starts. Free Cable, Internet and really low cost telephone service as well your standard medical/dental, vision, 401K, STD, LTD are inclusive in the benefits, so this, for all intensive purposes is the perfect job for me. Low stress, the hours are a little wonky, at the very worst I'd get the 3-11 shift, which for me isn't hard, because I'm up that late anyway, might as well be earning money while I'm up. I have two other positions that I applied for recently that have asked me to continue in the application process, so here's faith that something great will come out of all those. I'll let you know.

Portraiture

Thought I would add some more of my portraiture in the blog this week, so here's the first installment. What I find behind the a lens is so different than what people think of themselves, more often than not. I love being able to show them a different view to themselves. A true view, make no mistake about that, but a different one how they perhaps never saw themselves. It brings me great joy to show a mother of a graduating high school boy the love in his eyes when is captured grabbing her for a hug, or the always serious couple caught laughing and it turns out to be their favorite shot. I don't claim to be Annie Lebowitz or Sam Jones or anybody. I'm just me, and the people I shoot are just themselves. I like it that way. I do get an opportunity now and then to shoot local and national musicians, and that is great fun, but in my heart I know portraiture is where I belong.

I think people forget that they used to be children when they think about getting photographs taken. They seem surprised at the width of their own smiles, or how shiny their eyes are. That makes me smile. They seem to lose inhibitions about 25-50 shots into a shoot and then the real fun starts.

Then there are some people who are naturals when it comes to being in front of a camera. They have no qualms about the crows feet or the crooked tooth. No hangups about anything you ask them to do. Then you have those people who are so beautiful in life, you think you can't possibly do them any more justice in film, but even then they find something that they hadn't seen in themselves. Then there's children, they are so unpredictable, but that's almost the very best part of photographing them. I can't imagine everyone not wanting to do this. I am none happier than when I get to photograph people. I, however absolutely HATE having my own picture taken. It's a weight issue, my eyes bother me, believe me, I can come up with a million reasons, so don't bother trying. I'll just stay behind here, thanks, it will benefit us both that way.

If you were asked to pose for a photo, what would your reaction be. I mean really, think about it. most of us shy away. I'm going to try and not do it so often, even if I only use those images as stepping stones to how I want to look in a few more months when I have lost the weight I aim to lose.

The true victory for me will be when I can have a photo taken of me where I am not having my hands under my chin (double chin) and my eyes are open wider and focused better on the photographer/camera. I leave you with the thought that no matter how we see ourselves, there will always be other people who see us so differently than us. We can learn so much from that. Beauty is not just what's on the surface, that's the superficial, yes there are beautiful and striking features that some people possess, but real beauty is ALWAYS in the details. The eyes, the crinkles around your nose when you smile, that scar you got as a child whilst roller skating, the birthmark, the dirt beneath a boys fingernails after he's been playing in the mud with the trucks, the ribbons on an Easter dress, the way a son looks at his mother, the way a woman looks at the man she loves, the way a child holds their parents hand. That, my friend, is beauty and you have it. It's always been there. All you have to do is look.