purpose, paling in shadows.

Another day goes by at the day job and it finds us closer to our shift bid. There are not that many "good bids" to go around and obviously seniority and adherence and production and sales all account for where one stands in the bid process. My bid happens on a day I'm not scheduled in, so I have to call my requests in, they will get accepted or denied. I will still not know what my schedule for the next 6 months is until another two days after the bid. Kind of hard to make any concrete plans when your life is being controlled by others time frames. It's hard to look ahead. That added to the fact that I am just spent when I get home doesn't help the day job cause. I know I should be grateful for the job, I know the unemployment rate in Fl is 10%, I know these things, it doesn't change the fact that I am not being true to myself there. Needs must. I stay until I can't take it anymore or what I would like to happen happens. (Working on that now.) Live your life with purpose. I been trying to live that, and it's not happening here. I've never been so tired, I think. I am running on empty, but by God, don't I hide it well...
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I never feel tired when I am behind the camera. Hot and sweaty sometimes, (Fl heat in summer - yeah,not a fan, but tired? No. The exhaustion doesn't hit me till the end when I am back to the editing desk. The adrenaline pumping through me subsides. Most of my sessions are 5-6 hours, I try and get the light and the feel of the shoot and run with it till I feel that neither the subject, the day/night or I hasn't anything else to give creatively. Some shoots take only 1-2 hours, the feeling is still the same. When I am photographing people and am in the groove, my heart feels like it will burst, my grin is so wide my cheeks hurt, the Lou face as its widely known. Smiling out loud almost. The exhaustion I feel when I am not doing what I love is staggering. To the point that my feet are like lead bricks and my mind so unfocused even the desire for the act of doing even the most exciting part of a mundane day wanes to a trickle. There is no smiling and to tell you the truth, my heart couldn't give a rat's ass. I don't discount a hard day's work. I don't think that a 9-5 for me is undoable, been there, done that a bunch of times. I do think a 9-5 here (well -- there) where I am is undoable.
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Kicking at darkness, lcl photography, proust and you

I woke yesterday morning at 9:00 which is what the alarm was set for. I then proceeded to continue lying in bed until 12:30 or so when my mother, God Bless her, called to tell me that she and my sister were going downtown to get the Boondock Saints 1 tickets (showing only 1 night in theatres - if you're here in Orlando - at PI AMC24) and going to Ghiardelli for ice cream, would I like to join them? I declined and then my mother said "so much for a productive day" and at that moment I knew what Alexandra Stoddard meant when a client tisked at her saying "can't be productive by sitting, time is money" for sitting in a front room gazing about after having been in a rainstorm to get to said client's house. Surely, my sojourn into blissful rest was indeed work, work to get my self back to my self, my mother wouldn't know that after last evening going through things and choosing what to get rid of and looking at photos of a time long gone was emotionally draining. Coventry Patmore says "Don't deny in the darkness what you have seen in the light" Last night there was no denying and thus exhaustion set in quite quickly. There's no way she would have known this, I haven't shared it with her. So I declined and sent them on their way. I had to pull focus this morning, that coupled with the fact that I have a cold and have sinus issues that are killing me, I laid in bed for ANOTHER 25minutes before greeting this lovely day.
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I lost 10 lbs. Not because I am sick, but because I have been trying harder even though I have been eating what I wanted. Only a kabajillion (or so it seems) to go. Orig. it was so I would be healthier for the reunion in April, as Peru calls for walking, a lot of walking actually. Work schedules and current obligations would not allow for such a trip, but that shouldn't have stopped me, it did, but I jumped on the horse again and am trying. I'll let you know what happens as it happens. Lucky you lot.
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I have decided that not only am I going to continue photographing everyone I know and love, I am doing a coffee table book of a brilliant shot of them and a page of a Proust Questionnaire. It's a staple in vanity Fair, but that's for celebrities, why not do one of the everyman/woman/child? In that vein - I give you my own, you'll get to see the picture much later..

What is your current state of mind? Content
When or Where were you most happiest? When - Singing onstage in Peru, playing Eva Peron, Where? Behind a camera lens
Which living person do you admire? There are many, my mother, my sister, but outside of that? Sam Jones, Regan Cameron and Lou Lasprugato
What is your greatest fear? My child dying before me or anything bad happening to her.
What is your motto? "No coward soul is mine in this world's storm troubled sphere" - Bronte
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? I am almost always blinded by loyalty.
What is the trait you most deplore in others? Apathy, Disloyalty
What is your greatest extravagance? Anything my daughter wants. I'm awful at saying no to her.
Where would you like to live? Somewhere with public transport near a city center but not directly in it. Failing that? Glasgow
What is your fave quality in a woman? A sense of self and the courage to be that person
What is your fave quality in a man? Humour and Passion and knowing what it means to BE a man and not a boy.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue? - Patience, as I haven't any.
Which living person do you most despise? There are 2 broken people that if they'd been run over by a bus, I wouldn't miss them.
What talent would you most like to have? Sam Jones'
What do you consider your greatest achievement? My daughter, without a second thought.
What do you regard the lowest depth of misery? Apathy, letting down those I care for
What is your fave occupation? Photographer
What do you most value in your friends? Their time
Who are your fave writers? Alexandra Stoddard and Frank McCourt
What are your fave names? Chelsea, Liam, Evelyn and Michael
How would you like to die? In my sleep, preferably after the New Year so I would have been able to have a last Christmas with my family. Failing that, whilst photographing someone/something, because at least I'd be doing what I love.
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I leave you with the fact that if I know you, have ever photographed you, chances are good you'll be answering these questions soon. Off to see Boondock Saints on the big screen

I-hop, therefore I am...February Fabulousness

I miss this. I miss having the time to take photos. I miss seeing the laugh lines, the crinkles in foreheads. I miss catching a crane in his morning walk. I miss the weight of the machine in my hand. I miss the stories it helps me tell, the side of people they themselves don't see, the light at the end of the day, the haze in the early morning, the reflection of the sun on the calm lake, but there it sits, forlorn, in its safe bag waiting for the day I can play again. I hope it's soon.

-----------------I am going to be going in for surgery in September probably. I think I will wait until after my birthday, because really, who wants to have black eyes and bruising on their birthday? No, it's not what you're thinking, I'm not succumbing to the knife for a nip and tuck. I find that my eyes are my absolute fave part of my body. Not only do I find them quite lovely, they are a necessity for my love of photography. I have to have the muscles in the eyes tightened as the wandering of the eyes, as I get older is getting a little worse and I've had enough of it. My eye guy says a week and I should be able to drive again, so we'll see, my next consult is in late July.

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February 1st - February is not, by history at mine, a good month. When we lived in MD, all ill will fell upon us in February, cars broke down, too much snow hindering school and work days, health problems, money problems, etc. You name it, it happened and all hell broke loose in February. I have decided to stop that curse and prophesy and hereby declare February a month of Fierce Fabulousness.

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Speaking of Fabulousness -- IHOP is once again celebrating National Pancake Day on February 23rd from 10AM-7PM by offering a FREE stack of pancakes. Donations got to Children’s Miracle Network or local charities. I for one have NO problem seeing that donation and raising you a short stack :) Till next time I wish you a syrup filled brilliant brilliant.