In the BROADest sense of the word...

See that face? That face is the face I make when I don't get my way, but not in a tantrum kind of way. The face that I make when things are Topsy turvy and I feel like I have no control over their outcome. It's also the face of determination, perseverance and is the nicest way I can say "Screw that, I'm DOING this." If you knew me back in the day, high school, after that some, you've more than likely been a recipient of that face. I don't do NO well. Eventually, though, it happens, things sort themselves out and I stop looking like that. It's Katherine Hepburn, a Vanity Fair shot. She was a broad, much in the way that Lauren Bacall, Kathleen Turner, Stockard Channing, Susan Sarandon, Rachel Weisz and Diane Lane are. Yes, those are my heroes, BROAD wise. They don't do things they don't believe in. THAT, my friends is the key. Where is the line you draw that says, 'yeah, no, not gonna happen.' What I love about being a broad is that most of the time I am on top of the balance that is strong and still feminine at the same time. I think strong women are a necessity and a wonder in this age. My generation birthed many. We are lucky, because the things we teach our children, nieces, and nephews will carry on. I am trying something, WWDD, "What would Diane do?" over the next few days, and see if it makes the difference in my dealings. I'm sure it will. When I feel confident, I can do ANYTHING, and I feel like the power that is the BROAD in me is overflowing today. The interview went so well. I was so pleased. I also applied for two other administrative positions within the company, so we'll see what happens.

--------

I'll tell you what Diane would do with the cleaning that needed to be done around my house. She would have made her kids pitch in and help. My kid is away. Master Bathroom, Dishwasher, Master Bedroom, you were overcome.

State of Play here

So, to answer your question, yes, I feel better after having seen Chels. How can you not? I mean look at her. Photo from Sr. Prom, edited out Eric, boyfriend at the time. Will tuition get paid? Of course it will. Will I get a job soon? Of course I will. It's the feeling of 'ok my role as an employee is non-existent, my role as a mother has diminished greatly', and because I define myself so much with those two roles, I forget that there are other roles in my life. Will my life be like a half hour family sitcom where all gets resolved to the good in thirty minutes? No. it most definitely will not, but you know what, that's ok. I am one of the strongest lionesses I know. My daughter thinks I can move mountains, beat the crap out of people who upset me and mine (figuratively of course..), make the impossible, possible. Who am I to change her way of thinking? It's like that saying "Be the person your children think you are" My sister of course is another lioness, as is my mother in her own quiet way. I have raised, with the help of those two, another fierce woman. We should ALL be proud. She looked happy. Rush went well, she found three sororities she is interested in but two mainly are her focus. Saturday is BID day, until then they keep going to different events at the different houses. If she decides to do it, YAY, if not, that's ok too. I just want her to experience all that college has to offer academically as well as socially in her own way.
-----------------
Treadmill tomorrow, back on track. I have to do it first thing in the morning or it's just not going to happen. I also have my interview at 10 so I think 7:30, Monsieur treadmill and I have a date.
I would like to see another 6/7 pounds gone in October, so here's to it!
-----------------

Some of you may not realize it, but by and far this past year has been probably the worst year of my life on a personal level. I say that because me being out of work allowed me to be there for Chelsea in her last year of high school, around to get her ready to go off to college, available for a last minute up and down the East Coast road trip and I wouldn't have changed a thing if it meant losing all that. It also allowed me to be available when my father had a stroke and lost the ability to use his right hand and most of the use of his right side in general, thus making him unable to drive anywhere. At the same time, my mother also had health problems, on a much smaller scale, but problems nonetheless and I was able to assist with both of their physical therapy schedules, Dr.'s visits, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc. It was time well spent as well because my relationship with my parents, especially my father has not always been the best. This brought us closer and I found that my mother is quite awesome! On every other level however, including my own health, I was out with meningitis for 3 months, obviously financially and career wise, it has been disastrous. So, I give you the new mantra. Voila, not pretty but I just have to keep reminding myself... this too shall pass.
-----------

WARNING, yes you have been let into the pity party.

I too have become Uncomfortably Numb. Another friend says this is the equivalent of being a functioning alcoholic. Hullo, my name is Collette and I am a REALLY good comfortably numb person. Where's the 12-step for that? I feel like I'm going to throw up. My head is pounding, I am dizzy, and it's a nauseating numbness, not a dream state numbness that some people have. I have to drive an hour away to have lunch with, and be all lovely to, my daughter who is at Uni and unaware of the numbness. That is how it will remain. The last thing I need is to have her stressing out over me whilst trying to deal with all the other stuff at Uni. If she knew I was worried about the unemployment, the state of the bank account, the tuition, the (insert another worry - go ahead, you choose) then she wouldn't be able to concentrate on the prize at hand which of course, is her education. She's worked so hard to get where she is, I can't let me not working and the outcome of that affect her focus.

I'm not out to impress people with anything, I'm not about keeping up with the Jones's or BEING the Jones'. I don't think I ever have been. I just want to be able to pay my bills, give my child the education she deserves, and be able to go to the Doctor when I need to. It's not much to ask, really, it isn't. If I thought that God was an unforgiving God or a vengeful God, I would believe that this is payback for all the really horrible things I've done in my life and then it would be justifiable. I have to believe otherwise. I have to.

Leaving for lunch with Chelsea. I'll feel better later, promise.

Cooking? Do you mean bung it in the oven?, and Friends,

Yesterday my sister was in the kitchen making up a batch of stuff for her lunches/dinners next week. She is a fun cook, she chops and slices and dices and sautes till the house is brimming with the smells of homemade goodness. I don't even eat half the stuff she makes, but MY GOD, did the house smell yummy! I wish I was that adventurous in the kitchen. Oh sure, I can bake with the best of them, but actual cooking? I still don't have a hold on. My mother cooked until I was 13, then we had a cook from the time I was 13-15, then my mother cooked again, then 15-18 we had a cook. 18-onward, Stouffer's and Lean Cuisine and the odd days here and there I would attempt cooking, but for the most part, I was pre-packaged, add a salad sometimes, and get on with it girl. I'm going to try my hand at this cooking thing again. Last week's chili was fantabulous if I do say so myself and even though I'm only cooking for one, Chel's not home, L doesn't live with me, it will still be fun and think of all the leftovers, so I won't be out buying fast food.

-----------------

Sunday - It was a Sybil day. Dark and blustery one minute, sun shining like all get out the next. Time to get under covers and read a book. I would if I wasn't going to clean house when I get home, but I do hope this signals the beginning of real Fall here in FL. They say April and May constitutes rainy season. I just want some semblance of Fall.

-----------------
“To like many people spontaneously and without effort is perhaps the greatest of all sources of personal happiness.” I try and automatically give people I meet a clean slate. Benefit of the doubt that they will be awesomely nice people if you will. I have been bitten in the butt more often than not. Does this change my perspective on how to approach a new person, friend or acquaintance? No. I try and be a positive part of friend's lives. I figure we all have stuff going on that to us is major/big/stressful. Why add to the negativity? This doesn't always work with my own family though. I think that with family you feel safe and so the least bit of negativity may come out harsher because you feel safe to express it there. I am sincere in my hope for people to have BRILLIANT days. I am working on keeping things positive, even when surrounded by what, at the time seems like insurmountable odds. I hope that even those who I don't see as often as I would like due to some reason or another, realize that I still try and bring some light into their lives even if only via facebook, im's, texts or email. I am hopeful that the light they bring me shines back at them tenfold.

-------------
Interview this morning went well. Wednesday I meet with the actual person I would be supporting, so that will be fun. Tomorrow, lunch with Chelsea, I'm taking her up an ethernet cord for her Mac. Today, Y'all have a BRILLIANT BRILLIANT day.

-------------

Movietimes, Oliver, WHO ARE YOU?, The weigh it is...

Chels made it home Friday night, too late really for us to catch a flick so we decided to catch movies today. Saw "9" and "Julie and Julia". Both were good. I would have seen "9" even if it had gotten terrible reviews, because Elijah Wood is the main character. I would have seen "Julie and Julia" as well because I love Meryl Streep. I also got to spend the day with Chels. WIN WIN WIN :)
-------

You know it's time to rethink your friends when you get a text message that states " My time in FL is almost up as I will be at sea w/Royal Caribbean, Love to see everyone one more time before I leave. Free next Saturday, having a blowout at Backstage Billiards in LBV starts at 8 and we'll close it down", and you have no idea who sent it to you. All the numbers in my cell have names attached to them. I have so many friends who are performers and in hospitality in general, and people change cells all the time, so the confusion is understandable. Here's the thing though, someone took the time to invite me, I feel bad a)not knowing who it is and b)RSVP'ng to a blind number. I thought other friends would know something about it but no one seems to be saying that they will be at the event. I think we should show up blindly and hope for the best. That way, no one's feelings are hurt we didn't show and at the same time, I find out who the person is AND I get to play Pool, which I love to do. Lame, I know. Don't judge, it could happen to you.
------------------
I am addicted to http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ . I am jonezing to move out anyway and then top it off with all these ideas in one small site... argghh. Addicted I tell you!
------------
It's raining now, a gorgeous thick rain. Of course my mind thinks, rain, dark outside, why aren't you in bed?
------------
I haven't been blogging about it because it makes me sad, but I am waaaaay bigger than I want/should be. I have been making small steps to change that and to my delight, it's paying off. This week, I lost two pounds. No, it's not Biggest Loser material, but that makes a total of 6.2 pounds this month and I still have a few days left in the month. I'm happy that it's making a difference. It's not just about the treadmill, it's about the intake.

Limiting the crap and adding good. It's not rocket science, I really don't see why it's taken me this long to understand it. I'm not on program (Weight Watchers), I'm just using my head. Am I still going to have a Twistee Treat Butterscotch and Caramel Sundae when I want? You can bet on it. Am I going to beat myself up over it the next day? Not a chance. I have a goal in mind and a "carrot" to wave in front of me, as I do well when given incentives, so I foresee success.
----------------
I don't know about you but Sunday is calling my name. Sundays here mean a leisurely wake up, an indulgent breakky and the paper. I savor the paper, and read almost every section except sports, because really, I don't care. At all. Unless of course it's College Basketball season. Go Duke. I have no affiliation educationally to Duke. It's all Christan Laetner's fault, just like my love for University of Maryland is Boomer Esiason's fault. I didn't graduate from either school. But I digress

Metal and hair, I mean really... what else is there? LOL

This morning I wake up and hear two things. 1) Sebastian Bach, (stock photo) you know him, "18 and Life," "I Remember You," the singer who kicks almost every other metal vocalist out the door, the guy who IS Skid Row? Yes, NOW you remember him. Well, he's going to be ion VH-1 Celebrity Fit Club. The man looked like he needed an intraveneous drip back in the day. I guess it hits us all at some point. 2) "Mmm-Bop" was on my radio, like as in Hanson. Time to change the station settings. Time to wonder if I should go back to bed. It's strange; I find my radio settings are starting to dial further up. I have some classic rock (think 70's), a mix (late 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's and today), Christian Contemporary (DC Talk, Michael W. Smith, Jars of Clay, Third Day, Barlow Girl, Jeremy Camp, etc.), talk radio, and a station that seems to play a lot of stuff Chels likes. Next car is coming equipped with Sirius or XM because I like the idea of having an ALL 80's station or Elvis 24/7 at my will (which, you'll be happy to hear, will NEVER happen, but it's nice to know I could make it happen if I wanted to).
-----------
Treadmill: 30 minutes-defeated that machine -- YAY!
-----------
I am half way through the Rubbermaid tub of papers to cull. It was cathartic throwing things away. Will do the rest tonight while I watch my guilty pleasure true crime shows... unless of course L pummels me to death with the remote to watch Mythbusters or a new Top Gear (you never know, it can happen...).
-----------
Prepped the hair for the dyeing tomorrow. Friday I have two, count 'em, two interviews so I wanted the hair sorted prior. Friday is also when the Chels is coming home WHOOT WHOOT! Trust me when I tell you Loreal for True Brunettes (if indeed you ARE a brunette) is your best friend until you can actually get to your regular stylist for a dye job or highlights. This made my hair thicker, the highlights were like caramel, butterscotch and honey all rolled into my natural color and I was more than thrilled with the results. It usually runs in the $10-12 range, but with coupons (and come on, when DON'T I have coupons), and a good Target sale, I can, and in this case, did, get it for $6.99. Love, lurve, LUV it and recommend it to all. To the point where I would even say pay the retail $10-12 - it's worth it and so are you.

------------------

Lita Ford (stock photo) is on my XM radio right this second, singing "Kiss Me Deadly." This is a fitting way to end the post, as we started with The Vox of Metal, Sebastian Bach. :)

Order and Light

Happy Fall Solstice!
The House of Blues, Orlando has two for 1 tickets, $10.13 plus tax, available to the The Psychedelic Furs/Happy Mondays show. As much as I know I can sit through and enjoy Richard Butler, I cannot at all enjoy aging bovver boy Shaun Ryder and because I don't know who is opening for who...I pass.
----------
Last night did a list of lists, (stock photo) ended up with 250 things I want to do before I die. I guess that means it's a bucket list. I'm sure there is more, but that was a great start. It was fun and things were in no apparent order and some things I can't do now due to financial concerns (set up a scholarship in Chel's name at FSC for single parent children who need financial aid) or because the people don't exist yet, (Grandchildren), but I am going to make a big run at the list. I mean I must have at least another 42 years I reckon, if not more as only the good die young.
----------
Chel comes home on Friday for the weekend. We live an hour away from the university so she felt it was just silly for me to drive up for parent's weekend. We'd rather be here and go to the movies and chill mother/daughter anyway. I'm excited to see her. Just got off the phone with her and she seems good except for roommate problems, cramped quarters will do that to you. If I had my way she would have gotten a larger room or more roommates, it's difficult when there's just two of you. Also, I'm going to have her go through her stuff and decide really what she wants to get rid of because I need to get started on this culling in the house.
---------
The treadmill, alas, did not happen. Other stuff is though. Those folders we bought at Target? Being utilized this evening. I am purging every slip of paper that is in a big old Rubbermaid tub and sorting it into HOUSE DECOR, TRAVEL, FASHION, PRESSIES, FINANCIAL, PHOTOGRAPHY, and FITNESS categories, and they each get a folder. I feel uber organized just looking at it all and I haven't even started the actual purge. I know it sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth when I say it but "I can't create under these circumstances" or "I can't even think in here" is true when I have disorder around me visually. I'm not anal and I'm certainly not BREE from Desperate Housewives as far as the house being spotless, but I need order. This is a good start on it. Kicking away...